REDBOX REVIEW OF THE WEEK: Hannah Montana: The Movie

Written by Steve Pierce on . Posted in Film

Two things are true of college students: a) they love movies, and b) they’re poor as dirt. As an inevitable result of these two enduring realities, many Provo students (of necessity) eschew weekend evenings at the movies and end up trekking to the local grocery store to obtain a DVD in a little plastic case from a large red contraption. Redbox has become as indispensable as beer IBC and textbooks in collegiate life and it is in this spirit that Rhombus begins this new weekly feature.

Knowing that you, our beloved reader, will most likely find yourself staring at that little screen, faced with the prospect of having to choose a film for the evening from over thirty possible titles, we here at Rhombus have decided to help you out a bit. Each week we will review a DVD currently available for rent at your local Redbox location, hopefully making it a bit easier for you to pick (or not pick, if needs be) a movie for your viewing pleasure. As always, thanks for reading. — Steve Pierce, Editor

Yes, the title of this article is correct, and no, you’re not crazy (though maybe I am.) I watched the Hannah Montana movie. My eyes bled a bit, but I finished it. And yes, it was a horrible, horrible experience. To be honest, it was my wife’s pick; apparently multiple people had told her the movie was “good” and “cute,” meaning I was all but required to do my husbandly duties and endure all 102 terrible minutes. (The things we do for love…)

What makes Hannah Montana: The Movie so awful isn’t just that it’s cinematic garbage (although it is certainly that), but that it combines such putrid filmmaking with even worse music. Let’s be clear on two things: a) Miley Cyrus is not good looking (you’d think she could use some of her millions to fix those teeth), and b) she absolutely, positively and without question cannot sing. Unfortunately for Hannah Montana viewers, Cyrus smiles and sings often throughout the film.

In fact, this schlock isn’t so much a film as it is a series of musical performances tied together by the most tenuous (and predictable) of plots. The story is formulaic, the acting forced (not to mention awkward), the music unlistenable, the random cameos by Rascal Flatts and a mousy-looking Taylor Swift unnecessary. Overall, the movie’s first 85 minutes are merely uncomfortable, while the obligatory closing musical number will probably make you vomit all over yourself and anything in close proximity. Consider yourself amply warned.

Should you RedBox it? Only if you enjoy the taste of vomit (or really, really non-ironically terrible movies.)

Steve Pierce is co-founder and editor of Rhombus. He has subsequently recovered from his Hannah Montana-induced eye bleeding. Thanks for asking.

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