John Mayer is seriously studying his numerous battles, including a particularly nasty one with his hairdo.

Poison gas clouds, a profusion of explosions, people getting assassinated — such is the imagery John Mayer invokes on his latest release, Battle Studies. What could cause these scenes of terror and confusion? The answer appears to be love.

At age 32, Mayer has apparently amassed enough experiences in courting women to corroborate Pat Benatar’s assertion that love is, indeed, a battlefield. And now he has graciously decided to pass the wealth of knowledge he’s gained from studying this battle on to us, his listeners. And so springs forth John Mayer’s first themed album — every track but one (a cover of Cream’s 1968 hit “Crossroads”) is exclusively a love song. Or more appropriately, each is a song about love.

I don’t pretend to be a professional music critic, but I am a colossal fan of John Mayer. This acquaintance with his music leads me to these observations of his latest work:

Battle Studies is not Continuum. Fresh off the John Mayer Trio blues binge, Continuum was principally a guitar rock album, with lyrical content providing the garnish. At first glance, Battle Studies appears to be just the opposite. What remains unclear is exactly which direction away from Continuum Mayer seems to be going musically. At times, Studies feels like the late ’80s, and at others it could easily be featured on Country Music Television. For now, he seems content to displace his label as guitar virtuoso, putting emphasis almost exclusively on lyrical content. Even on “Crossroads,” a blues classic, Mayer resists the urge to flex his guitar muscle, laying down an extremely tame solo partway through. (Instead, he opts to record the song through a bizarre effect pedal, making it sound like the title music to “Contra” for the NES).

Mayer appears to still be concerned with commercial success. Don’t let the extended title to “Half of My Heart” fool you — the song most definitely does not feature Taylor Swift. Unless singing four words over again for a total of ten seconds constitutes “featuring” an artist. What is more likely is that Mayer agreed to “collaborate” because Swift is surging in the music scene with a fan base that actually purchases music. Simply having Swift’s name on the track automatically means a greater volume of record sales. It may be just as well though, since the song sounds like the music video should be set in a high school hallway during class change.

Devoting an entire album to one subject is extremely limiting for Mayer. Especially when that one subject happens to be something he doesn’t have the ability to portray particularly well. His place in the tabloids the past couple years, moving from one superficial relationship to the next, serves to underscore my lack of confidence in his lyrical portrayal of such an “intense battle.” Throw in the fact that he refuses to upstage his lyrics with any sort of innovative guitar work, and the result is an album lacking real depth.

During its best songs, Battle Studies is listenable and above average; during its worst it is repetitive and extremely forgettable. “Waiting room music,” “light FM radio,” “the soundtrack to Disney’s Tarzan featuring Phil Collins,” and “songs that play while pictures of waterfalls shuffle on a computer screen saver” are all solid candidates to finish the phrase “this sounds like…” for much of Studies. Again, this could be deliberate on Mayer’s part to draw the listener into the message of each song. Unfortunately, it can also push people away.

The album finishes with the refreshing slow build of “Friends, Lovers, or Nothing,” which rounds out the small group of tracks that actually sound like John Mayer. The piano ballad serves as an ironic closer for Studies, stressing the impossibilities of being “in between.” The advice is just as applicable in music. With his new album, Mayer sends the message that he wants to be just as renowned for his lyrical ability as his musical ability, and takes a step away from the sure footing of his previous work to do so. But what Mayer wants to do, he doesn’t (at this point) appear to be capable of doing, leaving him short of his desired destination. And against his own advice, “in between” is exactly where Battle Studies has landed him.

Daniel Anderson is Rhombus’ resident armchair economist and an occasional music correspondent.

Utah's heroes celebrate the state's first ever professional sports championship.

The struggles of Real Salt Lake as a new franchise are long gone. They have established themselves as heroes in the state. With RSL’s unlikely arrival in the playoffs and amazing MLS Cup run, they brought Utah its first professional sports championship. When asked about this, Coach Jason Kreis said he had a feeling their win would “really, really” mean a lot to Utah and the fans. I know it means a lot to me. And from the looks of it, it means a lot to many other Utahns as well.

Real Salt Lake could not have done it all in more dramatic fashion. Having lost their second-to-last regular season game, their playoff hopes were hanging on a thread. There were three teams that had to lose in order for them to keep any hope of taking a step into the tournament. They did not back down. Rather, they thrived on the opportunity, beating Colorado 3-0 at home. As if by destiny, things played out just how RSL needed them.

In the first round of the playoffs, they knocked off the defending champion Columbus Crew, beating them first in Salt Lake City with a goal in the 88th minute and later in Columbus after rallying from a 2-0 deficit. Real then faced a daunting challenge from the Chicago Fire. Nick Rimando, RSL’s goalie, made three saves to win the game on penalty kicks, and Cuautemoc Blanco, a notorious soccer player from Mexico, departed the Fire in disappointing fashion thanks to Real. With that win, they moved on to face the Hollywood-esque dynasty from California, the L.A. Galaxy, starring league MVP Landon Donovan and English superstar David Beckham.

RSL liked being viewed as the underdogs by virtually everyone outside the state of Utah — it fueled them. Before the game, hundreds of RSL fans met at a plaza near the stadium and started chanting and waving flags before marching to Qwest Field, many of them enduring a 30-hour round trip to watch their team in the final. It was an impressive, if not intimidating, act by RSL fans showing just how confident they were in their team, and just how much they wanted to bring home the championship cup. There was no such showing by Galaxy fans.

The championship game came down to penalty kicks once again and Rimando pushed his team to victory with two more saves, making him the MVP of the game after Robbie Russell made the final goal to seal the deal. The joy Russell had after his goal ended the game literally brought him to his knees. The team ran toward him with pure euphoria and Russell was suddenly at the bottom of a dogpile.

After the game, Coach Kreis and the players expressed their confidence and the belief they had in each other. Kries got the last laugh, saying “I told you so” to the millions watching on ESPN. In his post-game interview, Rimando said “the underdog has the championship now.” Voices were shot from all the yelling. Tears were shed. Fans were hugging perfect strangers in celebration of the victory. People at home were jumping up and down, finally knowing what it feels like to win a championship.

RSL’s momentum has propelled their popularity. Clint Mathis, the team’s veteran and one-time star of the U.S. men’s national team, was elated and surprised by the hundreds of people that greeted the team at the airport when they returned from Seattle. Wearing his emotion on his sleeve, he said, “This is great. This is something you don’t see in America for soccer at all.”

That just might be changing. On media day before the MLS Cup, there were few reporters expected. In past years, there had been just a handful of journalists asking a few questions. This year, there were many more reporters, even international media anxious to ask questions of the players and coaching staff. Within the past month alone, RSL has doubled their fan base on Facebook, from 6,000 to well over 13,000 people. (The page gained over 1,000 fans while I was writing this article.) So much for a team taking root in the community. Dave Checketts, owner of the club, said it best in a speech to the team after the championship game: “It’s one thing to win a championship. Now you’ve got to build a dynasty. Now, with the new stadium and a championship, there’s nothing that’s gonna stop us.” I feel the same way.

Randal Serr is an occasional sports correspondent for Rhombus. He also covers politics for the magazine.

The winningest quarterback in BYU history, regardless of whether or not you like him.

Week 12: BYU vs. Utah

Just when I thought I had this BYU team all figured out, they had to go and play a game like this. When I thought their defense was starting to get soft, they stuffed the Air Force offense and forced them into committing four turnovers. Max Hall and the offense looked pretty darn efficient, even if they couldn’t get away with deception.

The key to BYU winning that game was the fact that they were able to control the line of scrimmage. They stopped the Falcons’ fullback dives at the line of scrimmage, leaving the outside backers and safeties to match up and stuff the option. Air Force are never effective throwing the ball, but holding them to 5 of 21 is still pretty good.

The thing that everyone noticed was how much fire BYU played with. I have a tradition of going down to the front row of seats and sitting in someone’s empty spot until the event staff comes to kick me out. I’ve been successful for at least one quarter of every game. Anyway, while down by the field, the BYU sideline was hopping with energy. They were talking trash the whole game, but still kept their composure and executed.

Legend of the Hall
This last game against Air Force could very well sum up the entire career of Max Hall. If you look back at the game with a very objective perspective, you will see that Max Hall did a pretty good job throwing the ball. If you’re not convinced, just look at the stat line. Hall went 33-45, for 377 yards with five touchdowns and two interceptions. Any school in the country would be glad to take that kind of stat line from their QB, but here at BYU we see the two interceptions and the fumble and we roll our eyes.

Max Hall has had a great career here at BYU. First off, he has more wins than any other quarterback in BYU history. For as much as everyone bags on the BYU defense, this has to count for something. Second, his completion percentage and QB rating have gotten better each year. His Greatness Tim Tebow and Colt McCoy can’t say the same. Third, he has some marquee wins that define a quality QB, including triumphs over Oklahoma, Arizona, TCU, Utah and two wins over UCLA.

Even with all of his success, BYU fans have a hard time accepting him as one of the greats. There was the expectation that he was going to launch BYU into the BCS and all that jazz, and because that didn’t happen he is often seen as a failure. If John Beck and Max Hall were to switch places in history, Hall would be praised for his success.

Instead of remembering Hall’s “4th and 18″moment against Utah in 2007, BYU fans remember interceptions 1-5 in 2008. They will readily recall his interceptions this year against Florida State, but everyone seems to have forgotten the final drive against Oklahoma. The good thing for Max is that he can change his fate in these last two games.

As of right now Max is 1-1 in games against Utah and in bowl games. If he finishes out his career strong with two victories then maybe BYU fans will recognize his consistency. However, if he loses these last two games, he will be remembered as the guy who threw too many interceptions and couldn’t step up in the big game, regardless of whether or not that’s actually true.

The Unusual Suspects
In the last couple years, BYU fans have known what they are going up against when they play Utah. This year is a little different. There is no more Brian Johnson, Brice McCain, Louie Sakoda or Matt Asiata. Instead, Utah has Eddie Wide, Jordan Wynn and some dude named Shaky. They may not be the names we are used to, but they are players.

True freshman quarterback Jordan Wynn came in a few games back after Juco transfer Terrance Cain proved to be ineffective. Wynn hasn’t been a world beater in his four games, but puts at least puts the Utes in a position to win. His job is a lot easier with Wide in the backfield, who has rushed for at least 100 yards in six games this season. And who is this Shaky character? He is the speedster quarterback that runs their wildcat offense.

Even though most people thought this was going to be a down year for Utah, the Utes have quietly put together a very strong season. Sure, they haven’t gone undefeated, but with the players they have this season is a success. The icing on the cake would be a win over BYU.

Prediction
I have been thinking about this for quite some time and, to be completely honest, I feel like predicting a score for this game is almost pointless. In a game like this you have to throw everything out the window. It doesn’t matter if TCU beat Utah by more or if BYU beat Air Force by more. It doesn’t matter that BYU has lost two games at home this year and that Utah has lost both of their games on the road. Everyone says that Kyle Whittingham is the better coach, but Bronco has more wins and the series is tied 2-2. Max Hall is undoubtedly better than Jordan Wynn, but the BYU defense has the uncanny ability to make a no-name QB look like a Heisman hopeful. Utah doesn’t have automatic kicker Louie Sakoda, but BYU is stuck with the unpredictable Mitch Payne. This year Dennis Pita will be at full strength, but Harvey Unga is still pretty banged up. So with everything pretty much up in the air, how do I make my prediction? I take my expert stab in the dark. It’s going to be a close game and both teams will make mistakes early. Utah wins late with a field goal. Utah 31, BYU 28.

Three Cheers
1. Dennis Pita — He could have had more, but two touchdowns was pretty good.

2. Andrew Rich — Another big day with two picks and a key pass breakup.

3. BYU defensive line — The reason BYU held the Falcons to just 212 yards rushing.

Three Jeers
1. Terrence Brown — Whiffed horribly on a block that resulted in Max Hall getting pounded.

2. Intent to Deceive Rule — How did this rule get in there? Did they just need to fill space?

3. O’Neill Chambers — Sure, he had the touchdown, but he looked like a loose cannon on the sideline.

Jake Welch is a sports correspondent for Rhombus. He seriously hopes his prediction is incorrect.

The holidays are here! After we carve our turkeys and get a heaping side of football on Thursday, it will only be a few short weeks until finals and then Christmas and New Year’s. I am certain that we are all looking forward to the family feasts and free time that await us. But as winter descends and we prepare to dive into 2010 and all the madness that it will bring — like people saying “0-10/oh-ten” when they don’t mean to, as if 10 were a single digit number — I’d like to take a look back at some of the memorable figures, moments and trends from an entertaining fall.

Michael Vick — Remember when the Eagles signed him after his nearly two-year prison stint on dog fighting charges? Sports fans were anxious to see if Vick, formerly the most electrifying player in the NFL, could reestablish himself among the league’s elite. He has overwhelmingly failed to do so. However, I submit that his comeback has not been fruitless.

It did give me the chance to hear reports about Vick’s work with Philadelphia high schools in concert with animal rights groups “to reach young people” and be a “voice against organized animal fighting.” I’m sorry, but that is just hilarious. I have been out of high school for a while, but I feel pretty confident in saying that, on the list of delinquent activities for 14-18-year-old teens, dog fighting ranks pretty low. It just wasn’t a big thing at my school. I know these animal rights people are forcing Vick into this and the peer pressure talk is good, but if you want to help kids, maybe you should just stick with “don’t do drugs.”

BYU Football (and fans) — Like any good team in sports (especially collegiate sports), BYU’s football team wants their fans to feel like part of their success. I think I can say that, by and large, they do. After all, who wasn’t dancing in the streets after BYU beat Oklahoma in the season opener? In fact, I think I would have to thank the fans even a bit more than the team for getting our hopes up so ridiculously high that we thought we were a top five team — only to have them come crashing down the second we play any team with a mobile quarterback. How many years in a row do we have to do this?

Here is the basic pattern: 1) Pre-season hype, looking pretty solid, selling quite a few t-shirts; 2) “Huge win” (sliding past what proved to be an overrated Oklahoma squad or obliterating what proved to be an overrated 2008 UCLA team) that results in a huge jump in the rankings, ginormous spikes in t-shirt sales, and a ton of people who want to sell their home game tickets for hundreds of dollars on Craigslist; 3) Epic beat down that makes everyone feel like our team is a failure even though we will probably finish with a very admirable record and ranked in the Top 25 with another trip to the Vegas Bowl, which, I might add, is usually reserved for the conference champ. It’s a ridiculous pattern, people. Let’s be realistic and positive in supporting our team. We may not be as good as we thought we were, but we aren’t as bad as we sometimes think either.

Kanye West — I can’t believe what a big deal everyone made of the whole Kanye-Taylor Swift incident. This was one the funniest things I can remember. Not so much the incident itself, but the huge media freak-out that occurred right after. Sure, Kanye is a jerk, but didn’t we already know that? It’s not like this was the first temper tantrum he had thrown at an awards show. Also, it’s freaking MTV! Isn’t this the type of thing they live for over there? Kanye’s little outburst was the only way the show was going to attract any attention from anyone outside of the “depressed, suburban high school kid” demographic anyway. And though he acted like an intoxicated idiot, I actually like him better now than I did before.

Let me explain. All the celebrities who wrote on their websites about him — Pink (wait, I mean P!NK), Katy Perry, etc. — made it sound like he punched Taylor Swift in the face. He didn’t. He just said what he really believed. Yes, he did so in an incredibly rude manner, but in an industry that is built on false images, “Ye” didn’t seem too concerned with anything but telling the truth. Isn’t that, at least in some way, a bit admirable? I think so.

Kanye obviously has his fair share of character flaws, but what often makes others so mad also makes him lovable. He is a total loose cannon. So even though he is making bank off of you and me, I feel like I can at least glimpse the person he is and see that he kind of secretly hates the record industry and just wants to be himself. And to me, that is comforting. In Mr. West’s own words “y’all feel some way about K but at least y’all feel something.” In any event, this can, at its worst, only be the second most frightening unexpected mic grab in MTV Video Music Awards history. This is much more painful.

BYU Basketball commercial — Anyone who watches ESPN knows what I am taking about. BYU basketball bought a bunch of advertising space and has incessantly run one ad for the team all fall. It’s just music and highlights. You know, the one with the huge bass line that you can hear no matter where you are in your apartment? Anyway, I was just wondering if I was the only one who noticed that not even all the highlights are actual highlights. The last clip in the commercial is Charles Abouo rejecting a shot in last season’s contest against Wake Forest — or is it?

If you actually pay attention to the commercial, it’s really Charles Abouo committing a foul in last season’s contest against Wake Forest. You see him jump up and knock the shot away — but you also see play stop and the official walk over to the scorekeeper and indicate a huge hack on number one. I am undecided on what this means for our basketball team. But hey, regardless of the call, at least we know we will lose in the first round of NCAA Tournament! (That’s a joke. I hope.)

William Sutton would like to express his seasonally appropriate gratitude to all of the poorly thought-out decisions of others that made this column possible. He is a sports and culture correspondent for Rhombus.

In our inaugural sports podcast, Jake Welch, Ben Wagner, Daniel Anderson, William Sutton and Jamie Wood tackle a myriad of topics, from Real Salt Lake’s recent MLS championship to this weekend’s BYU-Utah football game to Jonathan Tavernari (of all people). You can stream and/or download the podcast below, but a word from the wise — due to some volume problems, it’s probably best experienced through headphones. We hope to iron all those out by next week’s episode. As always, thanks for reading — and enjoy!

You can stream the podcast by simply clicking on the link below, or you can download it to your computer by right-clicking the link and selecting “Save Link As” from the menu.

Listen to: Rhombus Podcast 002 — Sports Podcast (11.23.09)

No one does Thanksgiving and New York ennui like Woody Allen.

Thanksgiving’s greatest strength has to be that it’s never really been commercialized like most other big holidays. Sure, there are turkey sales and Black Friday, but the actual day itself still seems to be about family, food and expressing gratitude. Unfortunately, the downside of Thanksgiving’s relative purity is that it also hasn’t inspired scores of movies the way that Christmas or Halloween have.

Still, in many ways Thanksgiving seems almost tailor-made for the cinema. The staples of the holiday — feasts, travel, autumn, etc. — look like the recipe for a great story and, even if it will always be less popular than Christmas, Thanksgiving is actually at the center of some classic movies. So this year, between pro football and pieces of apple pie, try taking a look at some of these five feature films (so sorry, no A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, excellent as it is) to help you give thanks and get hungry.

5. Planes Trains and Automobiles (1987) — Directed by the legendary John Hughes and starring the late John Candy, this film is perhaps the most famous Thanksgiving movie on the list. The plot follows Candy and Steve Martin as they experience three long days of mishaps (and, as the name suggests, various modes of transportation) trying to get from New York to Chicago. Predictably, after a series of conflicts the two begin to bond and ultimately manage to use their roundabout journey to rediscover the spirit of the holiday they’re trying to celebrate. This movie’s high profile also means that if you haven’t seen it before you can probably catch it on various cable re-airings all week.

4. Holiday Inn (1942) — This classic is a charming (and with a blackface minstrel show, admittedly sometimes offensive) relic of Hollywood’s golden age. Despite its flaws, the film nevertheless boasts a cast that includes Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire, as well as iconic songs like “White Christmas” (which eventually inspired the later movie of the same name). Though not exclusively a Thanksgiving movie — it spans several years and includes other holidays as well—the plot revolves around Crosby’s country farm and the romantic intrigue that ensues when he turns it into a theater.

3. Pieces of April (2003) — Not so long ago when Katie Holmes was still cool and making movies like Go, she also starred in this indie gem about an estranged daughter’s attempt to host Thanksgiving dinner. The movie takes place entirely on Thanksgiving Day and follows its characters as they use the holiday to build a community, earn forgiveness and come to terms with their mortality. Though Holmes received top billing, Pieces of April also includes a powerful, Academy Award-nominated performance from Patricia Clarkson.

2. Babette’s Feast (1987) — This Danish film doesn’t technically have anything to do with the American holiday we call Thanksgiving. On the other hand, with its narrative backbone centering on an extravagant feast prepared as an offering of thanks, it’s also perhaps the best movie on this list at capturing the idea of Thanksgiving. Babette’s Feast takes place in 19th century Jutland among a sect of elderly Protestants. One day, Babette arrives as a refuge from revolutionary Paris. Though once a renowned chef, Babette is taken in by the Jutlanders and settles into life as a servant and cook. That all changes however, when Babette wins the lottery and decides to prepare a grand feast for the residents of her adopted home. What ensues is a poetic exploration of how food can be sacramental, healing, and a metaphor for the ineffable lessons of life.

1. Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) — Thanksgiving is a time for family, food and… New York ennui? Surprisingly, perhaps, Woody Allen’s take on the holiday shows off the Big Apple with all of its charm, wit and tragedy. The story is book-ended by two Thanksgivings, one year apart, and follows the lives of several archetypal Allen-esque characters as they fall in and out of love. Besides capturing the visual romance of an autumnal New York, the film also points out that while holiday gatherings can be entertaining, they’re often complicated as well. Hannah and Her Sisters is less sleek than some of Allen’s later films and includes fewer belly laughs than his earlier work, but it nonetheless ranks among his finest masterpieces.

Jim Dalrymple is a popular culture correspondent for Rhombus. You can wish him a Happy Thanksgiving on Twitter @jimmycdii.

I love Apple. The iPhone is a really great gadget — it’s smooth, fast and has really cool features. I’ve been on the verge of getting one several times and nearly won over by its amazingness, yet never fully committed to it. I have two reasons for this. First, because it doesn’t have a physical keyboard, and second, because I am a Google fan(atic). Last year Google entered the smartphone market, not with any hardware but with an operating system (OS) called Android.

Let me make clear what can be considered a “smartphone.”  This category does more than texting and calling; they can also do e-mail, web-browsing, word processing and anything else a normal, run-of-the-mill phone does not. The way these devices are used varies immensely, and thus there are a huge number of distinctive features. Many are affiliated with physical attributes, i.e. a slider, flip, headphone jack, touch screen, keyboard, or other general aesthetics. Second, and sometimes the more important issue, what can the software do? Can it handle games, business tools, social networking functions, etc.?  Whether you’re a corporate mogul, college student or teenybopper, one smartphone is going to satisfy your needs with a huge variety of apps and functionalities available.

There is something seriously wrong with the world today. I’m not talking about global warming, the recession, Twilight, Cafe Rio, or any of the other serious problems the world faces. I’m talking about a crisis that is much more serious than that — and it all starts with iCarly.

Yes, that’s right, iCarly: this popular, Emmy-nominated television series holds the keys to unlocking what’s wrong with the world today.

Now, it shouldn’t shock you to find out that I came to this realization at the Provo Denny’s around 2:30 a.m. (because, as you know, most good epiphanies happen at the Provo Denny’s at 2:30 a.m.) This revelation came after a long nostalgic discussion about the ’90s and the television series my friends and I grew up on. Great shows of Nickelodeon’s past like Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Hey Dude and a lot of things involving slime. There were the classic cartoons like Rugrats, Hey Arnold! and Doug. There was TGIF and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

And then there was the defining show of our generation, Boy Meets World. If Saved By the Bell represented the neon pink early ’90s, Boy Meets World represented the decade’s post-In Utero grunge era. The show featured ’90s staples, including (but not limited to) a long-haired delinquent best friend and an English teacher who liked the X-Men and rode a Harley.

Most episodes of Boy Meets World had a fairly simple premise, not unlike most shows of the era — a middle-class kid in suburban Philadelphia gets himself into trouble, gets himself caught, feels repentant, and eventually learns a valuable life lesson at the hands of his parents or the wise teacher next door. Sufficeth to say, I learned a lot of life lessons at the hands of Mr. Feeny. Boy Meets World was undoubtedly the most popular television show for my demographic during our formative years.

Now, take a look at one of the most popular television series among that same 9-15 demographic today. iCarly is a television series on Nickelodeon featuring the antics of, you guessed it, Carly (young star Miranda Cosgrove), whose parents are absent and remains in the custody of her inept older brother. In the vein of most children’s television series in recent years, Carly is precocious and far more competent and savvy than 98 percent of the adult characters in the show, especially her brother/legal guardian.

This dynamic perfectly exemplifies the kind of television heroes and heroines being presented to the children of America today. The child protagonists are smart and constantly outfox the dimwits that surround them, allowing them to get away with a wide range of trouble-making activities.

Not only do they tend to get away with whatever they want, but oftentimes the protagonists have problems or life goals that are highly unrealistic — and they deal with them in equally ridiculous ways. Carly’s week-to-week problems revolve around her online web show that she produces with her friends. On the other hand, one memorable episode of Boy Meets World involved a principle character blowing up a mailbox with a cherry bomb, hiding out under his best friends bed, getting caught, and paying the price for having done something wrong.

How many 13-year-old girls do you know that have their own popular web show? Now, how many 13-year-old boys do you know that like blowing things up with cherry bombs? That’s what I thought.

My generation was presented with shows that showed us kid problems that kids handled like kids. Today’s kids are presented with children that face unrealistic problems that they handle like adults. I can’t help but feel this kind of storytelling does nothing but talk down to children, telling them the very real problems they might face are irrelevant and that they are incapable of handling storytelling that presents realistic problems seen through the eyes of a child.

Politicians and psychologists like to present video games, rap music and the Internet as the face of “what’s wrong with the youth of America.” But in reality, is there any tangible difference between boys playing war outside with toy guns or playing Halo with their friends? And middle school kids will always find swearing and innuendos funny, whether it comes from Jay-Z or not. Has anyone ever stopped to consider that, if there is something wrong with the youth of America, it’s that they are taught by every television series they see that they are a) smarter then their parents, b) able to get away with whatever they want because their parents are too stupid to notice, and c) unable to solve any real problems — and that those real-life problems are irrelevant in the face of iCarly’s zany Web show antics.

Now, you may be thinking that I’ve taken this to an extreme; after all, iCarly is just one show. But this is bigger than Miranda Cosgrove. I challenge you to turn on one popular children’s television show and show me a protagonist that isn’t overly precocious, portrayed as smarter than the adults around him/her and who doesn’t face absolutely ridiculous “problems.” Hannah Montana is somehow able to outsmart everyone with a blond wig and balance her celebrity life with her “real life;” Zach and Cody hang out in a hotel/cruise ship staffed by complete buffoons; and is it possible to find a wizard with a brain at Waverly Place?

Sure, these shows produce their laughs, but I miss the days when Mr. Feeny taught me it was wrong to blow up mailboxes with cherry bombs.

Ben Wagner used to be a somewhat regular correspondent for Rhombus. Apparently he spent so much time watching Disney Channel shows that he didn’t write a substantive article for approximately nine years. You can follow him on Twitter @ben_wagner.

Velour’s fourth annual Cowboys and Indies concert event ended in an interesting fashion on Saturday evening, juxtaposing the over-the-top antics of Seve Vs. Evan and ER with the more earnest fare of their cowboy counterparts in Code Hero and Moses. The unique pairings made for a night of somewhat uneven tones at time, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

Every time I begin to take Provo’s music scene for granted, something happens that just blows my face off and makes me appreciate the wealth of talent we have here. That blessed event (the blowing off of my face, that is) took place again on Saturday, and can be completely credited to local “electricana” act and show openers Code Hero. From the opening keyboard notes pounded out by lead singer Nate Pyfer all the way through to their rousing, set-closing cover of Garth Brooks’ “I’ve Got Friends in Low Places,” the band owned the stage with some of the best, most original music the Provo scene has to offer. Unfortunately, much of the predominantly high school-aged audience missed out on their brilliance by talking and laughing rather rudely throughout the set (much to the obvious — and justified — annoyance of Pyfer), but it was their loss. Code Hero is for real and they showed it in spades at Cowboys and Indies. Keep your eyes peeled for their next local show and do yourself a favor — don’t miss it.

Following Code Hero to the stage were recently renamed rockers ER. Formerly known as the Elizabethan Report, the now-L.A.-based band brought the fans out in droves and got them revved up early and often. Make no mistake — if ER is concerned about nothing else (and they might not be), they certainly put on a hell of a show. While their trash can-banging on-stage antics might occasionally detract from certain aspects of the musical performance, none of their die-hard fans care. They’re just there to jump up and down in a prepubescent mosh pit and have a good time, which is more than okay. If you’re looking for pitch-perfect musicianship, an ER performance may not be for you. But if you’re looking for a zany, rocking good time, complete with grooving bass lines and killer drums fills to boot, eat your heart out.

After the cacophonous climax of ER, it seemed much of the crowd left before the night’s second “cowboy” act, newly formed country-rockers Moses. Led by the howling croon of frontman Drew Capener, the band tore through a tight, workmanlike set of alt-country anthems that shied more on the side of the grittier Uncle Tupelo than, say, Ryan Adams. While much of the energy present during the previous set had certainly left the room during their soundcheck, Moses impressed more with their excellent musicianship and expertly crafted songs than with any extracurricular tomfoolery — and those of us who stuck around were treated to a great set.

Seve Vs. Evan, the night’s much-anticipated headliners, made a triumphant return to the Velour stage after a prolonged absence. About nine months older and (according to frontman Seve Bozung) 40 pounds heavier than when we last saw them, Provo’s favorite synth-poppers spent the majority of their set arguing with fans about removing certain articles of clothing, engaging in quirky between-song banter, and generally making people dance and feel good about life.

To say Seve Vs. Evan are the most musically accomplished band in the world would be a gross overstatement — but any attempt at such a critique would also blatantly discount the band’s fun-loving spirit. In a manner that’s two parts Matt and Kim and one part Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Bozung’s yelpy vocals and infectious synth riffs awaken a part inside each of us — the part that just wants to laugh, dance, and have a good time with some great music. In short, Seve Vs. Evan are ten pounds of fun in a five-pound bag, and we don’t need them to be anything more or less. As long as they can keep playing “Megabomberman” and we can keep dancing, everything will be alright.

All in all, Cowboys and Indies 4 successfully accomplished its mission of bringing Provo’s two dominant scenes under one roof for a weekend. Despite the fact that much of the crowd’s interest seemed specifically devoted to “indies” like Seve Vs. Evan, ER, Imagine Dragons and Shark Speed, the “cowboys” were no slouches. Code Hero, Moses and the Devil Whale all more than held their own, offering some of the weekend’s best performances regardless of the enthusiasm gap.

And that may just illustrated the diversity and depth of the local scene — while some bands might draw bigger crowds or generate more relative interest from the Provo scene, there’s still a whole other group of bands out there making great music that the masses have yet to discover. Then, when you’re least expecting it, they sneak up on you and blow your face off — and that, my friends, is a very, very good thing.

Read William Sutton’s review of night one here. Also, download our FREE local music compilation here.

Steve Pierce is editor and co-founder of Rhombus.

Last night, Velour Live Music Gallery hosted part one of its fourth annual Cowboys and Indies festival, a two-night event that attempts to bridge the gap between Provo’s dominant genres — folk and indie — by putting leading local acts from both camps on the same stage. On Friday, Velour manager Corey Fox managed to roll out a line-up nearly as diverse as the crowd in attendance.

First to play was the religiously themed and angst-ridden Salt Lake group, the Second Estate. Though the group’s lead singer had a powerful, captivating voice, his dramatic stop and start delivery of scriptural quotations over pounding acoustic guitar and brushed drums was not exactly conducive to getting the party started.

Next to take the stage were Provo favorites Shark Speed. There could not have been a greater shift in feeling in crowd if MGMT had just followed Bright Eyes. So far as I have gathered, Shark Speed’s indie stylings have been somewhat divisive in Provo — gaining a large following, but also becoming the butt of almost all the indie jokes I’ve heard recently. Regardless of one’s position on the group, I can attest they got the crowd moving with their upbeat guitar work. The song “Cast Off Dance Off” (featuring a trumpet) was an audience favorite.

Salt Lake’s the Devil Whale brought a little more pop sensibility to their folksy set and even went into full rock mode on their closing track, screaming the final refrains. Unfortunately, it seemed that a number of people had either left or just gone outside after Shark Speed’s set, perhaps because the Devil Whale are not quite as well known in Provo, especially among the high school set. Nonetheless, they showed solid musicianship to accompany their unquestionably indie hair.

The undisputed stars of the show, however, were Imagine Dragons. Those who read my review of their self-titled EP just a few days ago will remember my tepid response to their music, but I must confess — their live show blew me away. I think I would go see this band anywhere. (More on this coming in a future article.) Drawing their set list from new material as well as old favorites, they had the crowd in the palm of their hand through dance numbers and emotionally wrenching slow jams (tears on stage, even). Much to everyone’s delight, they opened everything up for their encore — huge, empassioned vocals, hard hitting drums, dancing, and one hell of a guitar solo.

Overall, Cowboys and Indies is a good collaborative effort, aimed at building unity between the two scenes. I would have to say Friday night’s show seemed to be only marginally successful in that regard, as the indies seemed to garner much more crowd attention and appreciation than their cowboy counterparts.

Tonight’s show promises to be equally entertaining with Seve Vs. Evan and Moses taking the stage, among others. Come dance to your heart’s content — or sit around and joke with your friends about the inevitable fashion mistakes and moves of those who do!

Read Steve Pierce’s review of night two here. Also, download our FREE local music compilation here.

William Sutton is a popular culture correspondent for Rhombus.