Weekends Are For Movies: June 4-6

Written by Jordan Petersen on . Posted in Film

First, an apology for my inconsistency. Probably no one went to see Iron Man 2, because I failed to write about it. (You love me because I’m funny.)

This weekend, you have no excuse not to go see a movie in theaters. I’m not saying all of them are winners, but… anyway, just read.

Killers (PG-13) — Katherine Heigl falls for Ashton Kutcher, who turns out to be a spy (or whatever), a fact she discovers after their hookup and move to suburbia. I’ve seen the previews, and I’ll be honest, it looks like entertainment. I like both of the leads, and one of the primary writers was responsible for Matchstick Men, which is a truly wonderful film. The director’s last effort was The Ugly Truth, which I didn’t see, but was a financial and critical flop last year. However, the same man also helmed such films as Legally Blonde and 21 – both very popcorn and very generic, but also honestly enjoyable.

The only hesitancy I have in recommending this film (aside from not having seen it myself) is that no one has seen it. Lionsgate decided to withhold it from critics until opening day. This means the studio is either afraid it’s not any good or that they’re smug idiots who don’t understand the role of critics (like me). Either way, it’s a stupid choice.

Get Him to the Greek (R) – I really hate Russell Brand. Here’s my impression of him: “If I say outrageously filthy things with wide eyes, you’ll think I’m a riot because I’m from England and have an accent.” Pretty good, huh? Yeah. Been workin’ on it. Anyway, the concept is that one of Judd Apatow‘s favorite actors, Jonah Hill, is tasked with getting a famous, wild rock star to a certain place at a certain time. Hysterical antics ensue. It’s an R-rated comedy — you’re either into that kind of thing or you are not. You can probably tell which side of the line I’m standing on. And anyway, the best thing critics have been able to say so far is that it’s like a knock-off Judd Apatow film. Well I guess that’s kind of funny.

Marmaduke (PG) — It’s a movie about a giant dog that talks, which makes me want to cry. While vomiting. And will it surprise you to find out that this is another one the studio won’t release to the critics until opening day? What were you thinking Owen Wilson? I realize this isn’t the first time (or second, or third, or…) you’ve signed your soul away to a trashbag full of clichés, but, well, please stop.

Splice (R) – This was a Sundance darling. Don’t ask me why. I have a few friends (and fellow Rhombus writers) who went to see it when it was up in Park City and wrote about it here. I should note that after it got picked up, I’m pretty sure it got a total overhaul re-cut, which means that it might be a very different film from what it was at Sundance. Regardless, I’ll leave you to it if you have any interest. I’ll go ahead and pass.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (PG-13) — People say it’s entertaining. They also say it’s silly and forgettable. I don’t think I need to say a lot more; with Disney holding the keys to the empire of advertising, there’s a greater likelihood that you missed how the last presidential election panned out than there is that you haven’t heard about this movie.

Sex and the City 2 (R) — I would tell you about this movie, except that I don’t want to. Just watch this instead. (Start at 2:27, or watch the whole thing.) Also, I have to acknowledge that this piece of carmelized toxic slime actually inspired Richard Roeper to finally say something almost clever: “Bad puns, fashion porn, domestic hand-wringing, contrived plot points, idiotic dialogue and offensive stereotypes. What’s not to loathe?” So that’s good.

Shrek…  Again, and in 3D (PG) — I think this is number… what? Eight? Kidding, it’s just the fourth. But doesn’t it seem like there have been more? Anyway, I liked the second one, I think. I remember laughing. It’s hard to care a lot about these films though. The first installment was extremely clever, but can anyone honestly digest four volumes of this stuff? I guess so -  the franchise has pulled in almost $2.5 billion from ticket sales alone. However, according to the numbers, not too many people seem enthused about the “last chapter.” My guess is they all thought the third film would be the last. Stuff happens in trilogies, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s a joke: “Shrek, the Four-Part Trilogy.”

MacGruber (R) — Saturday Night Live has this thing where, every few years, they forget how stupid it is to turn a sketch into a 90-minute (or longer) movie. Hopefully, after spending $10 million and only making $8 million of it back in its first three weekends, they’ll finally get the point and stop.

Iron Man 2 and Robin Hood are also still in theaters, and after having seen them, I can tell you that they’re both worth the ticket price. And my full reviews are forthcoming. No, really, I mean it.


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