TV: Fantasy 'Bachelor Pad' Will Change Your Life!

If you haven’t watched The Bachelor Pad yet, you’re missing out. It’s easily the greatest television show of the last 10 years, if not of all time. Is it dumb? Yes. Is it trashy? Certainly. But that’s what makes it so great!

If you’re not watching the show, start now — your Monday nights will be infinitely more entertaining. If you’re already watching, amplify your experience by trying out some Fantasy Bachelor Pad — featuring rules and regulations by Rhombus’ very own Preston Johnson (listed below). Throw your inhibitions out the window and try it out — you won’t be disappointed.   — Steve Pierce, Editor

FANTASY BACHELOR PAD RULES AND REGULATIONS

GROUP SIZE: 5 people

DRAFTING: The draft order will be decided randomly.  Each of the players will draft three of the remaining 15 contestants who they think will be the most valuable (not necessarily who will go the furthest) in their quest to become Fantasy Bachelor Pad champion.

Now, for those that haven’t done a fantasy draft before, we usually draft in serpentine order: 1-5 pick in the first round and then 5-1 pick the second round to make it fair and equal. In this case, we only have an odd number of rounds (three, 15 draftable contestant), so this would actually not be fair as the first selector would get the 1st pick as well as the 10th and 11th, while the 5th pick would pick up a 6th and 15th. Which would you rather have? To even this out, we will re-draw after the first two rounds to draft the third round randomly.

SCORING: Points will be awarded on a number different criteria, listed below:

How deep they go into the game. Points for this category will be determined simply. For each contestant that moves on from Week 3 to Week 4, they receive 5 points; from Week 4 to 5, 10 points; and from Week 5 to Week 6, 15 points. The eventual winner will get an additional bonus of 20 points. Like I said before, if you pick the winner it will not necessarily mean you accumulate the most fantasy points.  BOO YA. Read on…

Challenges won. This is really straight-forward. If your contestant pulls out a victory in one of the weekly challenges, you pick up a nice 12 points right there. If there were to be a tie, those two contestants would split the points, each receiving 6. And if there were to be multiple challenges in one week? Fine for us — there will be more than one winner and more points to go around.

Receiving a rose on a date. Really basic. There is always at least one rose given out per challenge, maybe two depending on gender competitions. This is worth 7 points if your contestant picks up a rose off a date. For example, Gia hooked up Wes last week for the 7 points, while Canadian Sean Penn (Craig) owners were left dumbfounded.

Being asked on the 3 on 1 date. Sure, the rose receiver on the date gets hooked up with 7 points, but what about the other two who still outplayed every other contestant? Three points for being asked on a date. Our date-receiving fantasy league leader through Week 2?  Gwen with 6 points.  Make sense?

Hook-ups. Alright, well, what happens the entire time at the Pad? Hook-ups — lots of ‘em. Yes, this plays a huge part in picking the valuable Bachelor Pad contestants.

We could take this thing really far, but I just like two aspects of the hooking up. The first is a make-out — things getting hot and steamy in the spa, etc. This will be worth a solid 5 points. But what did Kovacs and Elizabeth do last week in the shower/tub after their make-out session? Some would say they had sex — but to us they racked up 10 points a piece and set up a possible connection that could be producing weekly points that nobody else in the game could be getting.  That’s what we call value.

(To clear things up, not every hook up is worth 5 points. Make-outs only count once, whereas more extensive hook-ups can rack up points for each successive incident. For example, if Jesse B. and Natalie end up kissing again, they don’t get points for it. Kovacs and Elizabeth in the shower again? Definitely worth another 10.)

Bleeps. Bleeps are always a nice addition to the Bachelor Pad experience. Lets throw a point for each bleep the contestant accumulates weekly. My first pick if “damn” counted in Boston? Chris L.

However, not everything will be positive points.

The Tenley rule. For example, I’m implementing the Tenley rule — crying at any point during the show due to ANY reason results in minus 3 points. ‘Nuff said. (That goes for you too, Weatherman…)

Crotch shots. “But girls are more likely to cry,” you say? That’s not fair? Don’t worry, we’ve got this covered thanks to crotch shots. For each crotch shot of female contestant shown on-camera during the course of an episode show (quite a few, for example, in the Twister challenge), that contestant racks up an extra 2 points to add to their weekly total.

Now, be careful when drafting because this may to some degree make females slightly more valuable. (Possibly.) Take all things into consideration — I’m just saying it’s probably not the best move to draft all guys — but don’t go all-in with females either.

The Gia strategic blunder. This is probably the only category that will take some type of judgment call, but I think it is very important. Gia totally followed her heart by giving Wes the date rose in Week 2 — and simultaneously ruined the game for The Outsiders. She should not get away with this in Fantasy Bachelor Pad. Minus 5 points for a significant strategic blunder that the group of players agrees upon.

This is in the works and set up for Monday (or Week 3). Any additions or ideas are appreciated — feel free to leave them in the comments. Until then, everyone get their Pad on and do some research. Big, big night coming up.

Sincerely, your friend,

Chris Harrison (Okay, I wish.)

CONTESTANTS:

• Ashley E. (The Bachelor 14, Jake’s season); Occupation: Teacher // Age: 30 // Residence: Fairfax, VA
• David G. (The Bachelorette 5, Jillian’s season); 
Occupation: Entrepreneur // Age: 28 // Residence: Dayton, OH
• Elizabeth K. (The Bachelor 14, Jake’s season); 
Occupation: Sales // Age: 30 // Residence: Los Angeles, CA
• Gia A. (The Bachelor 14, Jake’s season); 
Occupation: Swimsuit Model // Age: 26 // Residence: New York, NY
• Gwen N G. (The Bachelor 2, Aaron’s season) ;
Occupation: Project Manager // Age: ?? [sic] // Residence: Philadelphia, PA
• Jesse B. (The Bachelorette 6, Ali’s season); 
Occupation: General Contractor // Age: 25 // Residence: Peculiar, MO
• Jesse  K. (The Bachelorette 5, Jillian’s season); 
Occupation: Winemaker // Age: 28 // Residence: Los Angeles, CA
• Jonathan N. (The Bachelorette 6, Ali’s season); 
Occupation: Weatherman // Age: 31 // Residence: Houston, TX
• Kiptyn  L. (The Bachelorette 5, Jillian’s season); 
Occupation: Sales & Operations Mgr. // Age: 32 // Residence: Encinitas, CA
• Krisily  K. (The Bachelor 7, Charlie’s season) ; Occupation: Personal Assistant // Age: 30 // Residence: Los Angeles, CA
• Natalie G. (The Bachelor 13, Jason’s season); 
Occupation: Bartender // Age: 28 // Residence: Hollywood, CA
• Nikki K. (The Bachelor 13, Jason’s season); 
Occupation: Administrative Assistant // Age 30 // Residence: Chicago, IL
• Peyton  W. (The Bachelor 10, Andy’s season); 
Occupation: Cheerleader Apparel Sales // Age: 27 // Residence: Dallas, TX
• Tenley M. (The Bachelor 14, Jake’s season); 
Occupation: College Admissions // Age: 26 // Residence: Huntington Beach, CA
• West  H. (The Bachelorette 5, Jillian’s season); 
Occupation: Country Music Artist // Age: 33 // Residence: Austin, TX