FILM: Oscar the Grouch

Because sometimes Oscar is just mean. And so if the world were a fair place, and if I were in charge, the following films would win at Sunday night’s Academy Awards show (as compared to those that will):

Best Picture

Who will win: The King’s Speech

Who should win: I’ve seen every nominee except The Fighter, which I’ve heard is good, but not “Oscar good.” Usually every year I have one favorite that I feel passionately should win. This year, however, I like most of the films. I thought The Kids Are All Right was just all right, and Inception really does not deserve the nomination. Watch Inception a second time and pay attention to the writing — it’s horrible. The rest of the nominees, however, are truly outstanding. If I had to pick a favorite, if you held a gun to my head, I would say The King’s Speech. It has all the elements of a great movie. It’s beautiful, it’s moving, the acting is superb, and Colin Firth.

Best Director

Who will win: Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech

Who should win: Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan. He managed to make every second of Black Swan thrilling — and it’s a movie about ballet!

Best Actor

Who will win: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

Who should win: James Franco, 127 Hours. I feel like I’ve betrayed Colin. I love Colin (Mr. Darcy) so much. But he didn’t have to carry an entire movie with his arm stuck beneath a rock. I mean, that’s impressive. And by the end of 127 Hours, I really thought Franco was dying. And I was really thirsty. That’s good acting.

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win: Christian Bale, The Fighter — because his hair is long and artsy now.

Who should win: John Hawkes. Winter’s Bone is far too ugly to be Best Picture, but the acting is some of the best I’ve ever seen. Hawkes is absolutely terrifying and compassionate, and he looked like he smelled bad. Again, that’s great acting.

Best Actress

Who will win: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Who should win: Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole. Nat’s performance was pretty amazing. But honestly, how hard is it to go insane? I think the effects really added to the performance — the sound, the cinematography and the makeup all had as much to do with the illusion of insanity as her acting. Nicole Kidman greiving over her dead son in Rabbit Hole had me sobbing in the back of the theater. And as much as I hate being a public spectacle, I have to hand it to the woman for making me feel so deeply while staring at a screen.

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Melissa Leo, The Fighter

Who should win: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit. She should be in the leading role category, right? She is the star of True Grit, so the supporting business doesn’t make a lot of sense. Regardless, she deserves the win.

Best Animated Feature Film

Who will win: Toy Story 3

Who should win: Toy Story 3. I can’t even think about the final scenes without getting teary-eyed. And it’s the end of a trilogy, a Pixar legend. How to Train Your Dragon is completely charming and The Illusionist looks very sweet, but Toy Story 3 is epic.

Best Documentary Feature

Who will win: Restrepo. It’s political.

What should win: Exit Through the Gift Shop. One of the most entertaining films I’ve ever seen. It may or may not be true — and the fact that no one’s sure makes it that much more impressive.

I really don’t know enough about the rest of the categories to make any sort of educated guess, nor do I really care. They’re the “get-up-and-make-a-sandwich-to-kill-time” categories anyway.