How to Win at Fantasy Football

Written by Jarren Bird on . Posted in Sports

Welcome sports fans to the wonderful world of Fantasy Football! Now don’t be scared. There is absolutely nothing to be afraid of. If you are worried about being able to pwn your fellow fantasy cohorts whilst being a “n00b” then look no further. Just for you, I have compiled a step-by-step process on “How to Win at Fantasy Football,” and you can trust me because I’m like a doctor in a lot ways.

Step 1) Make sure you get the guy who will score the most points.

You only have one chance to get the guy who scores the most points. Here’s how you can do it…random luck. If you get the first pick in the draft (if the draft is a regular draft and not an auction draft) then you have a great opportunity to choose the player who will score the most points. If you are participating in an auction draft, then pay the most money to get the best player. If you are in a room with all the other guys in the league who will also be drafting, then you can research ways to blackmail all of them. You can then blackmail the guy who is given the first pick. What he will then do, because he is being blackmailed, is graciously and unsuspiciously turn the first pick over to you and you will then have a great opportunity to pick up the player who will score the most points.

But wait, you are in the middle of saying to me, “What if I have no way of knowing who will score the most points?”Well then I will say to you that you MUST KNOW. If you cannot know playing Fantasy Football, then you will have to change the sport in question to one where you know for a certainty who the player is that will score the most points. For example, perhaps you know that in Fantasy Basketball LeBron James will score the most points. Therefore you will quickly, using the previously mentioned blackmail tactics that I have suggested, convince your league to switch to a Fantasy Basketball league instead.

Step 2) Remember to win every week.

Maybe the most important of the two steps mentioned so far is the first step. But in a close second is the need to win every week. This will help you win the Championship of Fantasy. Every week you will go up against other players who want to be the best, like you. They will be at a disadvantage because of the fact that you have the best player (if you followed Step 1), but occasionally other teams with disadvantages can beat you even with the best player (life is unfair isn’t it?). That’s why it’s imperative that you win with the most points every single week.

Step 3) Watch all of the football (or in this case, basketball).

How will you know if your best player is THE best player and that your team is scoring THE most points if you are not watching all of the sports? That doesn’t make any sense. You must watch all the sports. In order to be the best at Fantasy Football (or basketball) you must watch all of the football (or basketball). There’s no way around it. “But my family needs me!” Too bad gotta watch sports. “I’ll lose my job.” Sports. “What if  my job is sports?” Your job is fantasy sports now, which requires you not to participate in real sports but to watch real sports from a distance.

Step 4) Stats.

Do stats good.

Step 5) Follow your players on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn.

Twitter is great “social media” and can help you in your fantastical goals. You can talk to your players and they will see your needs and respond to each of them lovingly. If you need a player to get more point units, then you can say on Twitter, “According to stats (because you followed Step 4) you need to improve your jump shooting and thereby score more touchdowns, Lebron” (because you followed Step 1). Then he will respond, “Yes, I will do it.”

Step 6) There is not step 6.

There is no Step 6. All you need is 5 steps to do fantasy sports and be the best. Good luck.


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  • Colton J Chesnut

    Thank you Jarren for helping me realize what I can do to win all of the fantasy sport games. (I may have lost last year simply because I call them sport games). I believe with your help I won’t make the same mistake as last year, not getting the best player. To my league: I won’t be the last place team for the 4th year running, this year I will win all of the things! (things or games or matches, whichever noun makes the most sense)